Ugh.

Parrish had a follow up cat scan last Thursday to see if the spot on his lung had reduced in size after two weeks of antibiotics. Unfortunately, it is still there and no smaller, which leads doctors to believe that the mass is not because of an infection. Definitely not what we wanted to hear. Although the doctors say that it is “highly unlikely” that the mass is cancerous, they are scheduling a needle biopsy this week. Ugh. I have no words, just…ugh.

 

I hear the “highly unlikely” part, but I also live in a world where “highly unlikely” medical issues seems to arise all.the.time. I mean, we have spent the last eight months dealing with a “highly unlikely” recurrence of cancer 18 years after the fact. I am very well-versed in “highly unlikely.”

 

And there are other symptoms. In the last two weeks, Parrish has had unexplained swelling in the face, neck, lower legs and feet. He has been more fatigued; his color has been off. If Parrish were continuing to improve, then it would be easier to explain away this lung issue. But, he is worse now than two weeks ago. This all just feels too familiar, and it is so unsettling.

 

It is also a very ugly reminder that this fear over scans—at 3 months, at 6 months, at 1 year, at 5 years, at 18 years—is going to be with us for the rest of our lives. There is just no escaping it, and that realization feels almost too much to bear right now.

 

Parrish says he isn’t worried. But, his eyes tell me something else. I admit that I am worried, but it wouldn’t do any good to lie. Take one look at me and you will see worry written all over my face. This isn’t how we wanted to be ringing in a new season, not how Fall was supposed to start. Ugh.

 

I hope that I am worrying unnecessarily. I pray that the biopsy will show nothing…that doctors can do more tests and determine that this isn’t a chemo-induced lung problem…that the mass (and Parrish’s symptoms) just go away. I pray that in the days and months ahead, we can worry less and celebrate more.

 

Much love—

Molly