Parrish's Place: Radio Silence

I think my lack of blogging is starting to freak some people out. Part of it is just that the rigors of life have gotten in the way (things like a full time job, two young kids, the month-long Halloween celebrations…you get the picture). Part of it is also just sheer exhaustion with where we are on this cancer/transplant roller coaster. While it is true that Parrish is doing better and in some ways getting back to normal, there is still a long way to go. The boys and I see that more than anyone else does. It is true what they say--that it takes a full year to recover from a transplant. It is hard to comprehend that until you are in the middle of it, though. My radio silence is a sign that I just can’t spin where we are right now.

It has been a long month. Parrish’s scan from a couple weeks ago didn’t give any answers or insight into the spot on his lung. So, the BMT team would like to proceed with the surgical biopsy. They were supposed to call last week to schedule that. Of course, they didn’t. Parrish is so close to the 100 day mark (November 3^rd), that I am inclined to wait until he is discharged back to his oncologist to deal with the spot. Parrish will be due for another PET scan at that point, and I think that the oncologist is the right person to handle this from here on out. I also think that this might just be part of it right now. Parrish is going to have weird spots—and they could be for a variety of reasons—scar tissue, chemo side effects, infection. They could also just be spots that show up in people all the time and "regular people" never know about them. But, because Parrish is getting these full body scans, we see them…and are hyper-sensitive to them. I also think that the fatigue, nausea, vomiting, swelling, colds, coughs and more…well, that is just all part of the recovery process. These symptoms aren’t going to go away overnight (or even in a few months). Even though it feels like it has been forever, Parrish is still in the early stages of transplant recovery. It is easy to lose sight of that. And at the same time, it is hard not to get impatient with the healing process or the setbacks.

Let’s be honest. We are all getting sick of our new reality. And, the stress is taking its toll. Case in point--I have been diagnosed with a pretty bad case of TMJ (the oral surgeon thinks that I am clenching my jaw while I sleep at night). It is bad enough that my upper and lower jaws are shifting, causing a lot of pain and changes in my teeth. I mean come on…does it always have to be something relating to my face...first a bum eye, now a bum mouth?! In addition to medicine and a night guard, the doctor also put me on a liquid diet for 8 weeks. After about 10 days, I have taken myself off of the medicine (which made me crazy) and have taken a step back from the strictly liquid diet. No food and weird drugs made for a rather unstable, extremely hungry Molly. Not exactly what any of us needs right now. The oral surgeon said he would normally tell people with this problem to de-stress their lives, but he decided there was just no hope of that for me. It will all be fine (especially now that I am not starving). But, needless to say, all of us could use a reprieve. I mean, surely we’ve hit our limit on pain, suffering and learning life lessons from trying times. (See, maybe radio silence is better than brutal honesty.)

Don't get me wrong, there is so much to be thankful for. So much. And, that is what I try to focus on. Parrish is doing better...there doesn't seem to be much change day to day, but when I compare him now to three weeks ago, he is definitely better. That gives me hope. And, the boys both seem to be getting their spirits back. Campbell is about the cutest thing ever (not that I am biased). And, there is a spring in Ivey's step and a twinkle in his eye that just wasn't there five months ago. In fact, we had family pictures made recently and our dear photographer commented on Ivey's "amazing laugh." I paused, realizing that it was amazing...his deep, infectious, uncontrollable laugh was back. That gives me hope. And, the boys absolutely love our new (albeit, temporary) neighborhood. Watching them run back and forth to friends' yards and thrive in our new house, that gives me hope.

As the pictures below show, October has been busy (and we haven't even made it to Halloween yet). In the midst of it all, and despite the ever-present stress, I am trying to hold on to the moments, celebrate the small things (or steps in the right direction) and worry less about the big picture items that despite all my trying, I just can't fix.

Happy fall, y'all!

Love,

Molly